"What do these stones mean to you?"

returning to writing and reflecting on the provision of God

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How do you re-enter the writing space when you’ve been away for well over a year? Do you “rebrand”? Reintroduce yourself? Write a grand Top 10 List of Everything I Learned While I Was Not Writing?

In reality, it was a really hard year with tender things still too premature for words on the internet. Maybe someday those reflections will come in packages that serve more as gifts for those walking through similar circumstances. Until then, any public writing would be unwise and underdeveloped. I am still learning.

Throughout all the hard situations, there were also so many good things. And I want to remember. The (probably too long) title of this blog is Sharing the Stones and Collecting the Manna. The first half of that title references Joshua 4. There, we see the account of God parting another body of water (the Jordan River) so that the Israelites could cross over into the promised land on dry ground. (Did you know that crazy miracle happened twice?!) After they crossed, God commanded the people to “take twelve stones from here out of the midst of the Jordan, from the very place where the priests’ feet stood firmly” and make a memorial out of the stones.¹ The purpose was remembrance. Children’s curiosity has been a given across time. The Lord used the questions of children to point His people to Himself: “When your children ask in time to come, ‘What do those stones mean to you?’ then you shall tell them [of the story of God’s faithful and miraculous provision].” ²

My Stones of Remembrance

1. God provided a job, so different from what I expected, and not a forever one, but still so sweet. Six years to the day after resigning from my teaching career, I received an invitation to interview for a full-time ministry role at a local Christian university. We now live (literally - in a dorm apartment) and work with college students every day. As a resident director, I mentor a small team of college women who work as Resident Assistants, building community and discipling the women in their halls. My days are spent providing care and leadership for the almost-200 women in the dorm. It’s a “jack-of-all-trades” job with occasionally wild situations, but the challenge can be fun! Our kitchen table and living room are usually filled with college students on any given day of the week, and we live in a closer community than we probably ever will. Building relationships is the core responsibility of my job, and I’m so grateful for that privilege.

   There are also a lot of hard things, like being the first point of contact in mental health and other emergencies. I’ve met with students going through some of the most challenging seasons in their lives thus far and seen the pain up close. “Gen Z” is walking through so much anxiety and heavy emotional and spiritual burdens. And yet, they give me so much hope for the Church and our world. They energize me with their authenticity, deep questions, and zeal for life. This role is such a different avenue for women’s ministry — my biggest passion — and I’m so thankful for God’s good provision despite my initial fears and indecision.

   This is my stone of remembrance.

   

2. On that, the decision process of taking this role took me 2 months, mainly because of fear. I was afraid of all of the possibilities, paralyzed by the possibilities of what could happen living on a college campus, taking a job that would require me to be available 24/7, and placing me so close to the brokenness possible in our world. After He made it clear that the next step was a “yes,” free-falling on His faithfulness, He reminded me through His Word and His people of His goodness.

   One morning, at just the right time, I read Psalms 27, 31, and 34, each highlighting different aspects of His goodness:

   “I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!” ³

   and

   “Oh, how abundant is Your goodness, which You have stored up for those who fear You and worked for those who take refuge in You in the sight of the children of mankind.” ⁴

   and

   “…those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.” ⁵

   A few days later, a Bible teacher I follow on Instagram shared this quote from Charles Spurgeon:

   “He who is ready to believe the goodness of God shall always see fresh goodness to believe in.”

   In my fear, He reminded me of His goodness. (Doesn’t fear stem from the doubt of God’s kindness and presence? As Elisabeth Elliot stated, “Fear arises when we imagine everything depends on us.”) Instead, I have seen His goodness so clearly in my feeble “yes,” not because of any absence of pain, but of readier eyes to see the “fresh goodness” He still works for us in abundance amid brokenness.

   This is my stone of remembrance.

3. I finished two years of women’s ministry in the local church. There were many challenges (and learning opportunities for sure). However, for the first time, I had space to exercise my gifts of teaching and leading in a local church context. I taught in two women’s conferences, studied Exodus, Hebrews, and Ecclesiastes in depth, and witnessed many women learning how to read their Bibles for the first time. I led an incredibly encouraging team of Bible study leaders as they facilitated conversations with spiritually hungry women, and I enjoyed the beauty of multigenerational relationships in the Church.

   I also had the privilege of working with two interns who were a huge blessing to me (shoutout Bethany and Chelsea - you’re the real ones). I realized (again) how much I love getting to equip and lead women up higher into discerning and walking faithfully in their callings. This is what I want to do with my life and ministry, but how I get there requires more time and living. Those experiences catalyzed my enrollment in a doctoral program centered on church leadership, although I withdrew this past December for a few specific reasons. I’ve received a few not there’s and not yet’s from God, sometimes harder than direct no’s. And yet, I’m still learning to wait on Him, and I’m grateful for the glimpses of the good work He has prepared in advance for me to do.⁶

This is my stone of remembrance.

4. God provided financially. When I left my job at the beginning of last year, as meager as the pay was, it was still something, and we were in the throes of paying off over $50,000 in debt as quickly as possible. April of 2024 specifically brought incredible provision, as I pleaded for the Lord to meet our needs. At the beginning of the month, I started a note on my phone to keep track of the “manna” He provided (see the photo below as evidence!). He did!

   Throughout this past year, God provided increases in Kyle’s pay (shoutout to my husband for being so dang handsome and hardworking). God provided a job for me (after an insane amount of closed doors for two years) that provides free housing, allowing us to be finally debt-free (!!!), to be more freely generous, and to pay completely for a trip to Europe for three weeks (!!! leaving next week!!!). He showed Himself Jehovah-Jireh, the Lord will provide.

   This is my stone of remembrance.

   

5. God provided so much grace through our marriage. I always knew I married “Kind Kyle,”⁷ but I’ve continued to see how kind and faithful he is. Kyle’s willingness to jump in and engage with the college students around us has been so fun. I asked him to do a Big Thing by moving into an apartment in a college dorm in our thirties (and giving up our cats for a time 😭), but he has been the greatest teammate. Along with the fun, we also had a lot of external stressors this past year and needed help communicating through those. God provided a gift of a Christian marriage counselor who continues to bring up hard things while giving us the tools to talk through them.⁸

   I’m reminded again and again of the grace of time in marriage, especially when both parties are looking to Christ for help and grace. Like Tim Keller wrote in The Meaning of Marriage:

   “Within this Christian vision of marriage, here's what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating, and to say, ‘I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 'I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!’”

   It’s been a really sweet season of seeing glimpses of our glory selves through our marriage, and we’re not the same people we were a year ago. Thank You, Jesus.

   This is my stone of remembrance.

   

   

6. Lastly, I learned (am still learning) to rest. This past fall, in the height of some of the most intense burnout I’ve experienced, I came across (another) Elisabeth Elliot quote that sounded the alarms for me: “Rest is a weapon given to us by God. The enemy hates it because he wants us to be stressed and occupied.” I was incredibly stressed and overly occupied, albeit with good things. I saw the stress impacting my physical and spiritual health, our marriage, all the things. So we got serious and ended some commitments, which came with grief. We had hard conversations, evaluating motivations and seeking wisdom on where the Lord wanted us to go as our relationships and responsibilities shifted.

   In that season, we started going on weekly dates again. I became a ✨ hobby girl✨. We invited people over with no agenda aside from getting to know them as friends. We started playing board games after dinner instead of zoning out on TV every night. I began cooking real food, thrifting, reading fiction, and slowly learning embroidery. I even started a just-for-fun book club! (Lifelong dream achieved haha) My life no longer solely revolves around work and ministry responsibilities, no matter how much those things matter to me and are still a key part of my life. I’ve seen the fruit of humbly living within our limitations. Again, praise Jesus! ⁹

   This is my stone of remembrance.

So these are my stones of remembrance. What do they mean to me? They remind me that even when the Lord seems absent and removed (“Behold, I go forward, but He is not there; and backward, but I do not perceive Him”),¹⁰ He is still active and present, not defined by our perceptions of His presence: “on the left hand when He is working, I do not behold Him; He turns to the right hand, but I do not see Him. But He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me, I shall come out as gold.” ¹¹ These stones are immovable reminders of the presence and activity of God in my seeming wilderness.

What are yours?

So I’m back! I hope to be back writing regularly as I have before, whether that’s Scripture reflections, book reviews, or Europe travel tips. Nature is healing, and I am writing! ;)

1. Joshua 4:3.

2. Joshua 4:6-7.

3. Psalm 27:13, emphasis added.

4. Psalm 31:19, emphasis added.

5. Psalm 34:10, emphasis added.

6. Ephesians 2:10.

7. See “On Our First Anniversary.” ;)

8. We are so pro-counseling, even if you’re not in “crisis”! Ignore the stigma and enjoy the gifts that will come through seeking help and embracing vulnerability! Not gonna lie and say it isn’t hard, though. haha

9. On that note, just for fun, here is a quick list of some books I’ve loved over the past year and a half. Because who doesn’t love a book list?

Stories (fiction/memoir):

• The Unmaking of June Farrow by Adrienne Young

• I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy

• The Wedding People by Alison Espach

Nonfiction:

• The Emotionally Healthy Leader by Peter Scazzero

• Made for People: Why We Drift into Loneliness and How to Fight for a Life of Friendship by Justin Whitmel Earley

• Managing Leadership Anxiety: Yours and Theirs by Steve Cuss

• Every Home a Foundation: Experiencing God through Your Everyday Routines by Phylicia Masonheimer

• Waiting isn’t a Waste: The Surprising Comfort of Trusting God in the Uncertainties of Life by Mark Vroegop

• Living Life Backward: How Ecclesiastes Teaches Us to Live in Light of the End by David Gibson

• The Lord’s Work in the Lord’s Way and No Little People by Francis Schaeffer

10. Job 23:8.

11. Job 23:9-10, emphasis added.