I remember joking in college with a hint of seriousness that if I were still single at 25, I would try out for The Bachelor. I’m sure my lack of flirtation skills and strong convictions would have gotten me so far on the show, but thankfully, I never tested that out. I did not audition, but not because I was in a happy and steady relationship at that point. In my junior year of college, still being single at 25 seemed unfathomable. “Oh, stop, you won’t be!” my well-meaning friends would respond.
And yet, I was. And I was for several more years than expected, and as each year passed, I laughed at my once-horror at an empty bed and the same last name that would be sure to produce a quarter-life crisis.
I got married at 30, and no, not because of a several-year dating relationship or a strong career drive, as some people might guess. I got married at 30 after a couple of bad relationships and many first dates that did not turn into seconds, because this was how God led me and provided. This was not my plan, but it was His — and it was good.
Since dating and getting married to Kyle, I’ve hesitated to speak out much on singleness because it feels past the expiration date. I know the skepticism that can build around a single heart when yet another word on singleness comes from a married person, removed from the ache and the experience. I do not want to be that person.
Yet, singleness as a not-just-out-of-college Christian is something I’m deeply passionate about because I know. Singleness is not a disease and it’s not a death sentence. I actually loved my single years, and many of my close friends still are single for no other reason than God’s good plan that at times doesn’t feel good until later. I’m convinced that one of the most difficult things about singleness is the unmet desire that time after time you have to face honestly and bring vulnerably to the Lord and to others. And all of this while still holding onto the hope not of a spouse but of a good God whose ways are higher than your own, even through disappointing dates and unexpected break-ups and well-meaning words laced with misconceptions that sting.
So, I’ll let my former self speak. If you’re an OG reader (first of all, I’m impressed) — you might recognize this from a collab post I shared with my writing friends in 2021. We each wrote a short piece on singleness as three twenty-something single women on Valentine’s Day weekend. Below are my words on desire, from the lived experience of a single woman, also not knowing that I would meet my now-husband only a few months later.
In my words — Valentine’s Day 2 years ago
For the past decade, I've resisted speaking openly + specifically about my singleness. It feels too vulnerable, kind of messy, and unfinished. The only time I can remember more "publicly" sharing about singleness was when I was nineteen. I gave a "two-minute testimony" of what the Lord had been teaching me at a Saturday morning Cru women's event. Though I know the longing I felt then was just as valid, somehow at almost twenty-nine, speaking about that "hope deferred" feels more fragile than at nineteen.
By God's pure grace, I have seen singleness as the gift it's described to be in 1 Corinthians 7. My intimacy with & dependence on the LORD, relational & ministry capacity, as well as my sense of who God has called me to be, are so much stronger, I believe, because I've been single for the majority of the past decade. I can even now thank God for the "almost-but-no's." As Elisabeth Elliot writes, "God never withholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God's refusals are always merciful -- 'severe mercies' at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our heart's desire except to give us something better." Marriage is not the "reward"; more of Christ is (Psalm 16:5-6). And as each day passes, that statement has moved from a "concise theological statement" to my heart.
That desire is still there, however. In fact, it's grown stronger and deeper and more pervasive. As those close to me have begun stepping into marriage and motherhood, I'm here, asking the Lord for help in holding vulnerable desire and surrendered contentment in tension. And I've been learning that desire is not in itself an "unholy" thing, as if I'm not trusting the Lord enough or thankful for what He has given. Desire is just human, and it can drive us to the One in Whom all our deepest desires are met -- if we allow it.
I've repeatedly returned to two contrasting portraits of desire in Scripture: Rachel and Hannah. When you have a good chunk of time, grab some coffee and read Genesis 29-31 and 1 Samuel 1-2. For now, I'll give you the Cliff Notes. They're two women, beautiful + highly favored by their husbands (Genesis 29:17-20; 1 Samuel 1:5). Both battling infertility (Genesis 29:31; 1 Samuel 1:2b, 5b). Both desired children, but they handled that desire quite differently.
Rachel turned to her husband, Jacob, as if he were the problem and the solution: "When Rachel saw that she bore Jacob no children, she envied her sister. She said to Jacob, 'Give me children, or I shall die!'" (Genesis 30:1). Jacob's response? We see in Genesis 30:2 that "Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel, and he said, 'Am I in the place of God, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?" This is a portrait of the principle James writes about in James 4:1-2: "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask." How many times have I been Rachel? Harboring a genuine, God-honoring desire in and of itself, but heightened to the place of an idol and misdirected towards men, who cannot satisfy as Christ can? Rachel did eventually get what she desired -- a few children, in fact -- but she was never satisfied. Ironically, what she desired eventually brought her death (Genesis 35:16-20).
Hannah, on the other hand, brought this raw desire to the LORD. "Year after year" (1 Sam. 1:7) she went to the house of the LORD to pray, her ache for a child compounded by the ache of being misunderstood by her husband (1 Sam. 1:8). And yet we do not see her growing angry or looking to anyone but the LORD to heal her or satisfy her desire. She is "deeply distressed" and "[weeps] bitterly," and "[speaks] out of [her] great anxiety and vexation," so much so that the priest watching her thinks she's drunk (1 Sam. 1:10, 13-16). She brings her desire and pain to the LORD, specifically calling on His Name Jehovah-Sabaoth, the LORD of Hosts, a "military" name used by those who have not ceased fighting but who have run out of all of their resources. The LORD hears, provides her with her son Samuel whom she gives back to the LORD to serve in the temple, and then has five other sons and daughters (1 Samuel 2:21).
My prayer is that I will continue to hold this desire for marriage tenderly and open-handed, using it to drive me to my knees before Jehovah-Sabaoth rather than to man. I pray that I will be more like Hannah than Rachel. I do pray for a husband, but more than that I pray for more of Him as I learn to wait on Him (and him?!? ;) ) more closely.
Valentine’s Day 2023
Fast forward a couple of years, and I’m writing this from my apartment in Ohio. I’m married to Kyle, and my last name has changed. (Though still not legally, but I’ll get on that soon, I promise…) We have romantic reservations tomorrow in our living room, featuring Casano’s pizza and a Valentine’s Day-themed sitcom marathon.* There are days when my life feels a little out-of-body, like this can’t be my life. After waiting, it’s honestly an odd adjustment sometimes having a face to the then-nameless man I prayed for for so long.
I still think about Rachel and Hannah’s stories often. Even though that specific desire for marriage has been answered, the truths of God’s nearness and fulfillment in waiting still remain relevant for me. There is no hierarchy of status in life stages nor a neatly-tied bow, just a lifelong walk with our Savior who can use every “assignment” (single, dating, engaged, married, motherhood, etc.) for His glory and our good. There are some big aspects of my life that I am still wrestling with holding vulnerable desire and surrendered contentment in tension, but will there ever not be? As I said earlier, one of the biggest challenges in singleness is this tension, knowing that God could provide instantly if He wanted, but trusting that because He’s not at this time, it is for good. I know the longing can be painful though at times, and it’s easy to have our perspective of God’s character skewed by our own understanding of our circumstances.
So, for those of you reading this who are single, know I’m praying for you. These are not bad days, and you do not serve a bad God. He is kind, He is good, He is working on your behalf, and He hears. I pray that you will know your single years, however long they may be, as Hagar declared in Genesis 16:13, “Truly here I have seen Him who looks after me.”
And if you need some encouragement or prayer, please reach out to me. Hit reply if you’re getting this in an email, and I would genuinely love to pray more specifically for you.
*PS - If you are looking for some laughs, you’re welcome to check out our list below. They clearly do not epitomize the moral standards of romantic relationships as Christians, but also, they’re hilarious, so watch and don’t do. ;)
“Galentine’s Day,” Parks and Recreation, Season 2 Episode 16
“Operation Ann,” Parks and Recreation, Season 4 Episode 14
“Valentine’s Day,” The Office, Season 2 Episode 16
“Couples Discount,” The Office, Season 9 Episode 15
“PDA,” The Office, Season 7 Episode 15
“The One With the Candy Hearts,” Friends, Season 1 Episode 14
“The One With Unagi,” Friends, Season 6, Episode 17
“Valentine’s Day,” New Girl, Season 1 Episode 13
“Operation: Bobcat,” New Girl, Season 6 Episode 16
“Diamonds,” Everybody Loves Raymond, Season 1 Episode 16
“Stop Will! In the Name of Love,” Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Season 4 Episode 18
“Dateless in San Francisco,” Full House, Season 8 Episode 17
Love that you shared a list! And this line-
e. There is no hierarchy of status in life stages nor a neatly-tied bow, just a lifelong walk with our Savior who can use every “assignment” (single, dating, engaged, married, motherhood, etc.) for His glory and our good.
AMEN friend. Amen.
I just watched Galentine’s Day. It’s hilarious every time.