Living Life Loved & Perpetually in "Draft Mode"
I discovered this draft in my GoogleDocs this morning. Though ironically I never posted this, I wrote the following (comma splices & run-on sentences and all) on September 25, 2019 when I was wrestling through wanting to start a blog in a season of God pruning and equipping me in ministry and my walk with Him. (I'm still in that season. Maybe I always will be.)
I’ve wrestled with waiting until I had a better “platform” for writing, more credentials, more of an “excuse” for publishing my writing -- an announcement of accepting some staff member job at a ministry or church, a completed seminary degree.... I wrongly believed that I would be more “credible” or “readable” or “listenable” once I had more people around me, assumed more roles -- thinking that if I gathered a husband, a couple cute kids, some followers, maybe some groups of women who called me “leader” of their women’s ministry more officially...the more people around me, the wider my platform could be built, the more “secure” I would be in stepping out and sharing my words, written or spoken.
I’m reading Jess Connolly’s book You are the Girl for the Job right now, so maybe I’m slightly pumped up by that right now too, but seriously, I am learning that in Christ I am enough. The only “platform” I need upon which to stand is the cross.
I have often been applauded for my “capacity” and my achievements in my life thus far -- as a teacher, a friend, a ministry leader, a speaker...I don’t say that arrogantly because actually it’s provided a lot more challenges. I wrestle with mixed motivations, pride mingling with a genuine desire to serve and to speak. I feel failure a lot more deeply, because I know “what I’m capable of” and I know when I miss the mark. But I am learning that it is not MY abilities I stand in -- it is the capacity I have IN CHRIST to accomplish what HE wants me to do, or rather, what He wants to do in me and through me.
So, this is my first post. I’m breaking my “perfect all or nothing” pattern and jumping in. Here we go.
Our Enemy, the devil, can use this lie of perfection to lure and lock us into a few different prisons: the prison of Shame, the prison of Passive Disobedience, and the prison of Pride. All of these prisons take the form of isolation chambers, and the "father of lies" (John 8:44) provides regular announcements over the loudspeakers, tempting us to forget our redeemed identities in Christ and instead "exchanging the truth of God for a lie," looking to the created (ourselves and others) rather than the Creator for life & truth (Romans 1:23).
In Shame, we sink into a mental "spin cycle." The whir of reminders of our failures, our "not being good enough-s," our inevitable weaknesses by very default of our humanity lend us to a posture of destructively navel-gazing rather than a posture of humble dependence on Him who KNOWS our weaknesses and declares, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). Also - side note - the Greek word in this verse that translates as "made perfect" is the verb τελεῖται ("teleitai"), meaning "to complete an activity or process," related to the same word that Jesus Christ declared as His last words on the cross, "It is finished" (John 19:30).
In Passive Disobedience, we neglect God's call towards holiness and a life of significant & fulfilling participation for His kingdom because we are foolishly looking to ourselves as the source of strength. James 4:13-17 addresses those of us who procrastinate, thinking we "have time," arrogantly assuming that we know the number of days we have and we'll "obey eventually." James writes, "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin" (James 4:17). King David neglected his responsibility to go out to battle with his people in 2 Samuel 11 and instead chose self-indulgence and idleness. This led to immense vulnerability and falling into sin, along with severe consequences (2 Samuel 11-12). What if he would have followed through and obeyed? What if we did? Of course, we can willfully disobey too. Milton Vincent writes in his book The Gospel Primer,
Every time I deliberately disobey a command of God, it is because I am in that moment doubtful as to God's true intentions in giving me that comamnd. Does He really have my best interests at heart? Or is He withholding something from me that I would be better off having? Such questions, whether consciously asked or not, lie underneath every act of disobedience.
However, the gospel changes my view of God's commandments, in that it helps me to see the heart of the Person fromw hom those commandments come. When I begin to train my thought with the gospel, I realize that if God loved me enough to sacrifice His Son's life for me, then He must be guided by that same love when He speaks His commandments to me. Viewing God's commands and prohibitions in this light, I can see them for what they really are: friendly signposts from a heavenly Father who is seeking to love me through each directive, so that I might experience His very fullness forever."
The Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent, pgs. 17-18
In Pride, we functionally deny our need for a Savior (1 John 1:8). If we deny our sin and neglect confession, we neglect the beautiful opportunity to "agree with God" (the Greek word for confession literally means "to speak the same thing") about our sin and receive the promise of His forgiveness (1 John 1:9 - "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness"). A denial of confession leaves us susceptible to the lies of the enemy, keeping us in isolation and darkness rather than bringing our sin to light in the beautiful fellowship of accountability and grace. As pastor Matt Chandler stated in a sermon on repentance, "It’s really difficult for the enemy to accuse you of anything if you’re fully known."
This past week in our Monday night study, we studied the account of David's sin with Bathsheba, the prophet Nathan's calling him out, and David's repentance and the consequences and grace he received in 2 Samuel 11-12. Once he was confronted with the true reality of his sin, David responded, "I have sinned against the LORD" (2 Samuel 12:13). Rather than sitting in shame and withdrawing from the LORD, David repented and drew near to Him. Though the consequence of his newborn son dying was still a real possibility (and that's another theologically complicated issue we won't get into right now lol), he still believed in God's grace (2 Samuel 11:22) yet accepted the righteous consequences of his sin. We get a glimpse into his soul's genuine turning to the LORD in Psalm 51, which he wrote after Nathan confronted him for his sin against Bathsheba and Uriah. There David calls on God's character (v. 1), His "abundant mercy" and "steadfast love." Rather than denying his sin, hardening his heart, and withdrawing from the LORD, David comes to him with his "broken and contrite heart" (v. 17) and asks the LORD, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me...Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit" (v. 10, 12).
What love and GRACE and freedom to grow and be changed we have in the presence of the LORD. May I -- and you -- be reminded of the truths in Hebrews 4. This is love.
Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:14-16 (ESV)